You complete me.

Dear Calling,

Must I be 90 years old and unable to carry you out before you show yourself?

No, I thought not.

So, would you call out to me louder please and make your presence felt?

Thanks,

Me

I’ve spent the last few months wondering what this thing we call our Calling is. Is it something we just do everyday and do it well? Is it something that has been pre-ordained for us before we even came into being? Is it something that’s given out to us in a Sunday fair for a fee? Is it something we have to spend our whole lives looking for- i.e, is it our Calling to look for our bloody Calling?

From time to time, I wonder if we have romanticized the idea of our Calling as much as we have romanticized the idea of romance. Is it a once in a lifetime thing that we do? If yes, once you’ve achieved it, what happens after?

The whole bloody thing drives me nuts sometimes.

Here’s what I’d like to think- I’d like to believe that your Calling is something you are good at – you’re not necessarily the best at it in the whole, entire world, but it’s the best of you. Your Calling is your contribution to life around you with a combination of the best of your talents.

It’s what puts the blue in the sky and the green in the grass.

It’s what makes your life complete. 

On that note- you know that knight in shining armour guy? Or that prince we’ve always been told about that ‘covers up your void’ (oh, don’t be perverse now), and ‘completes you’? That’s kind of a myth.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not being cynical. Love is beautiful, the prince is oh-so-charming, and ya-dee-ya-dee-da. But here’s the deal- no one else can complete you but you. You have to be your own complete version before you can be with someone and give to someone.

In Jerry Maguire, when Tom Cruise tells Renee Z, “You complete me,” I don’t think he was lying; I think he simply stretched the truth (and you can’t blame him- at that particular time in the movie, he really needed a good speech to win the girl). But his statement had a context.

His context was that he had that kickass sports agent thing going for him, so the only thing he needed to complete the picture of his life (not really complete him, so to speak), was the girl.

What I’m saying is simple- Only you can write your story. Only you can fill yourself up. Everything else and everyone else is a blessed add-on; a bonus.

Ultimately, if there is one thing that can complete you, it’s you, and the best chance of doing that is by getting acquainted with one Mr.Calling.

The Calling, I believe, is the best sum of your being. The Calling is your raison d’etre. The Calling is your best chance of feeling like a valuable, real and complete person.

Question is- how does one get their Calling to call out a little bit louder?

Quotes I love

I found this one recently- it perfectly matches what I'm thinking about right now.

"The final mystery is oneself."

~Oscar Wilde

Thanks, Mr. Wilde. You didn't give me the answer to my 'mystery'. But just by mentioning it, you made me feel like less of a head-case. I can now publicly admit to pondering over this for a suspiciously copious amount of time, without being judged as loco!

(More thoughts on this in my next post)

The Game Of Life

Sometimes I feel like life is one big video game; an almost evil one at that. 

You eat those gold coins, knock down all the bad guys, level after level, and make your way to rescue that kidnapped princess. As you go higher up, a Trojan turtle with a face as ugly as sin and wings monstrously large, throws a bomb at a you, and before you realise what's going on, it explodes in your face. Now in any other normal, good-guy video game, you’d go back to the last level you were on. But this video game, this nasty version, is an evil muhahahaha kinda guy- he picks you up and throws you back to Level One. Game over really means Game over.

You punch the wall, cuss like it's soon going out of fashion, and exit the room.

One would think that's the end of it. And it could be, but...

I actually suspect that playing those initial levels all over again would be more fun than one would think it to be. Getting past that snarly rabid dog, or eating that mushroom that gives you extra life, or killing that ghastly three-headed warlock... It's now your second chance to go into that enchanted castle that you totally didn't pay attention to the first time you went there, because all you wanted to do was get out and complete the level. 

So in some sense, I like that Game Over means Restart. Sometimes reboots are essential, if not thoroughly enjoyable. 

It gives you a chance to really open your eyes, smell that smell, and taste that coffee. It gives you a chance to redefine and do everything you didn't do the last time around. Even if it just means taking timeouts or pee breaks.

Because you see, when we start out, we all look around in wonder, to give awe to the awesome, and enjoy the ride. Somewhere in between, that changes and it starts becoming only about the end.

Maybe the Restart is actually a blessing we didn't think to ask for. So now that we've got it, it's time to give it a shot, and really appreciate the game.

Things I wish I could tell my ten year old self.

-Don't wish you were older. Responsibility is big deal, not necessarily a happy deal.

-Do everything you can. Go to singing classes, karate, diving, fencing, dancing....anything in the world you can find. You'll only be this brave and uninhibited when you're ten, at twenty it'll halve and and at thirty it'll seem silly. Oh, and you won't have time for it.

-Homework is not the worst thing that can happen to you. There are bigger and worse things you'll need to face, and no, I'm not talking about a zit.

-Enjoy your time with your parents. Your parents are young when you're ten. Play with them, ask them a million questions and exhaust them! They'll only get older as you get older and their time with you will keep getting more and more limited.

-Don't be in a rush to fall in love. Spend as much time with yourself as you can. There is a time for loving another person and when that time comes, you'll find there is lesser time and love you can give to yourself. 

-There is a different freedom at every age- make sure you enjoy it.

-Wisdom comes at a price, enjoy your innocence. 

-Whatever you do, as you get older, keep fighting cynical people. Happiness is yours to claim. 

-Don't ever stop imagining or being curious.

-TV is evil. Go out and play hop scotch. 

-Eat as much as you can, your metabolism will suck when you're older!

Oh and quick PS to my 35 year old self:

Don't wish you were 25 again. At 25 you wanted to be 15 and at 15 you wanted to be 25. Shut up and enjoy yourself.

My Dumbledore

It feels like I'm in love again.

It's not what you think though. This is a bit unusual. This is the kind of love that is like a feeling of pure inspiration and awe.

I met this lady at a conference/discussion setting in New York and I thought she was strange and eccentric looking; I almost didn't even notice her. She had a quiet but under-the-surface bubbles kind of a demeanor about her, that makes you almost miss noticing her.

Luckily, she wasn't as shortsighted as me. She caught my eye across the room and smiled at me and so I felt compelled to at least say hi (I was feeling peculiarly anti-social on that day I think). We exchanged a quick hello-whereareyoufrom dialogue and then I confessed to her that although I was visiting the city for a short time, I was madly in love with it.

When she said what she said next to me, I instantly knew I wanted to see her again. "New York is like a famous king. And all kinds of people come to his amazing court- entertainers, artists, bankers, lovers, dreamers, actors, bakers... And they put their best foot forward and show the king what they can do best. If the king likes it, he asks the person to stay and show him more. If he doesn't like it, you will have to leave, but you'll surely be back next time, to try to make it in New York's court once again!"

____

And so we met two weeks later, at what has now become "our place". It's a little coffee shop in uptown NY. She took me there when she heard I was writing a novel, because this place is special to writers- people who have written their books there, frame the cover of their book and hang it up on the walls of the cafe. It has covers of books written there for the last fifteen years hung up on its walls. It's quite overwhelming and fascinating at the same time.

And that is exactly how she is. She is overwhelming and fascinating at the same time.

When I decided to get on this journey, with my sabbatical, writing a book, being away from everyone I love in a new city, I didn't realise how much it's going to change my world. I didn't realise that I was walking in to a new phase of my life, transforming and becoming a new me. 

And transformation is always hard. Especially when you're not expecting it. But I really do believe that every five/seven years every one us evolves- with or without knowing it. All of us learn one big lesson, and fight our way against all odds. God knows, those days are hard while you're re-discovering and re-inventing yourself. It's literally like peeling out of your old skin and coming into a new form. Shedding all the rubbish and carrying only what is absolutely needed for the next five/seven year phase.

So it couldn't have been better timing for me to have met this woman. I don't know what I bring to her, but she's helping me through my metamorphsis without even knowing it. At a time when I am searching for my new self, she's showing me the world through her eyes.

I call her my Dumbledore. 

She has that eternal naughty/mysterious/wise twinkle in her eye- like she knows the secret to life, but she won't tell you because she knows that it's much more fun when you discover it on your own. What I also love about her is that she takes pleasure in looking at everything- she epitomizes the phrase 'it's not about the destination, it's about the journey.'

We went to a chapel that she wanted to show me the other day and I was stunned by how much time she spent looking at everything, even though she had been there a million times before. Even for the millionth time, she expressed and felt the fascination for every little thing she was looking at in the chapel. At one point, she made me hug a pillar!

And I realised just hugging a pillar made me feel better- it gave me five minutes to truly understand and appreciate what I was doing. I realised in that moment that I giving to myself and, my, my, what an important lesson to learn!

I understood my next challenge- she told me what to do next without me asking her! I wondered how she even knew, but she answered that too, without my having asked her.

She giggled and casually remarked, "It's like we were given to each other isn't it? Two kindred spirits!"

Oh, she's quite something, my Dumbledore :)

Quotes I love - My new mantra

We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.


T.S Eliot

Shards of glass.

The bile rises in my throat.

What has he done?

Why does my soul feel like

A loud clock, 

Ticking ominously in my ear?

Times freezes.

What is happening?

Why does it feel like

I'm standing still,

And my world is cracking up rapidly?

My hands are numb.

What should I say?

Why does it feel like

There are stones in my mouth,

Suffocating my speech and my breath?

A scream echoes in my head.

What is he saying?

Why does it feel like

My heart has exploded,

Into a million shards of sparkling glass flying around me?

Time unfreezes.

The music has stopped,

I haven't sung my part,
My cry still stuck in my throat,
Trying to remember how to sing without him.

And I don't where to,

But I just keep walking.