Resilience.

Being consumed by a bitterness
That is not me.
They are the beasts of yesterday,
A semblance of the demons that were.

I struggle, I beat, I scream
I cave... and I try to breathe.
I give in, scramble, I swim.
Always up, towards a silver line.

I won't be trampled, no.
Because you,
You cannot tell me who I am.

Quotes I love

"Perhaps we are each allotted only a certain amount of love-- enough for only an initial meeting-- a serendipitous clumsiness."

Isn't that a beautiful thought? Sad too, but beautiful nonetheless.

The Tortoise People

@googlefacts defines them as Philophobes (philophobia is the fear of emotional attachment that often leads to expectations that end in disappointment). 

But I like to give them a special name- The Tortoise People. The people that put their shells on every time someone comes near them. The ones that have a mental knee-jerk reaction everytime you try to connect with them emotionally. The ones that are emotionally unreachable. 

Not to be confused with the peeps that are emotionally awkward, popularly known to have the emotional IQ of a cockroach. 

No, no. These people are different- the Tortoise folk are jaded, cynical and scared.

I would know, I used to belong to the clan. And then I realised it don't work for me, no.

And I'll tell you why, but let me ask a couple of questions to begin with- Would you not eat something absolutely lip-smackingly delicious because you're too afraid you'll love it and then never be able to eat it again? Would you live like a poor person all your life because you're afraid that if you get rich, you'll lose it all? I'm assuming the answer is mostly no, so then why would you allow yourself to not love- a person, an idea or a dream?

We're going by the assumption that the Tortoise People are afraid to emotionally invest because they're afraid of the impending disappointment, brought on by expectation. But I ask you, what is life without an expectation? A dream? A hope? 

I constantly hope I will eat good food for lunch, wear beautiful clothes, or travel to all the sorts of new places. I expect it out of my life. And what would I be if I didn't? Soulless? Someone who didn't feel at all- the bad or the good?

Upon badgering a few close friends who are hard-core cynics, here's what I heard- "It helps you be prepared, for the bad stuff that will inevitably happen." But that's defeatist, isn't it? Like someone once said, life is what happens to you when you're busy preparing for it. So don't prep, just live. With mad, reckless abandon, full-heartedly.

Our lives are closely intertwined with so many people's lives and circumstances. Bad things do happen, and whether you like it or not, you will never be able to control it all. And it'll most likely happen in a way you didn't expect it to. Because you see, life is cheeky like that. It sneaks up on you, rubs its hands and grins with glee, and makes you face your very worst fears. 

So here's my attitude towards it- I will love everything. I will love every rainbow I see, every raindrop that falls on my nose, and every person who makes me smile silly. I will brave my tears with grace, my disappointments with hope and my heartbreaks with strength. Because at the end of it all, I want to have lived. I want to have loved. I want to have felt every emotion there is to feel. 

I don't just want to drift through my life, I want to experience it. 

What is this place we call home?

In the last nine months I've had 5/6 homes. 

1. My original home (the one I was living in before my life took that 360 degree spin) 
2. My friend's home in New York 
3. My parents home in Bangalore
4. My in-between guest house in Bombay 
5. My best friend's house in Bombay 
6. My new house in Bombay.

They say home is where your heart is. 

But that's kind of confusing, isn't it? My heart is here today and somewhere else (and maybe even with someone else) any other day. It's a fickle fellow, that one.

Some people really like the idea of not having a 'home'. They love moving houses, cities, countries; never being in one place for more than a few months. They thrive on the difference in scene. They call it 'exploration'.

It seems more like running away to me. 

Because if I wanted a change of scene I'd take a vacation. For a month, or six.

Then I'd want to come back to my home, my bed, my people, my pets. Things I call my own and people that call me their own.

There's something about belonging that's addictive and endearing :)

That Thin Line

SO, recently I've been wondering about that thin line. Yes, you'll know which one I'm talking about. We've all been there.

Here's how the story goes- Girl meets a super fun boy. Boy and girl hang out- a little bit in the beginning and A LOT, very soon after the beginning. If they're not hanging out, they're texting 24/7, emailing each other funny things they found online, exploring new places in town together, meeting each other's friends etc. Mad bonding ensues with crazed swapping of stories. And oh, the LAUGHS. Many, many laughs. 

In all of this, 

Girl is wondering if this has the potential to go somewhere (and being over-analytic as the female species is, she's putting things into a pros and cons tables, for 'perspective' you know?).

Boy has two thought bubbles- 1. Do I like her? 2. Should we bonk?

There are two possible outcomes. 

a) Girl and boy decide they enjoy each other's company a lot and that they would like to take it to the next level and get into a relationship 

b) Girl and boy decide they enjoy each other's company a lot, so they don't want to risk turning it into a relationship

Oh, and a third outcome- Girl/boy blurts out the truth about their feelings for the other and the other respectfully (with many awkward pauses) backs out and the whole situation is a muck.

So, you see there is that thin line between intersex bestfriend-ship. Because all that separates this platonic relationship from a full fledged relationship is a few whispers, a couple of confessions and kiss or two (that, or a drunken night with lots of 'mistake' sex).

Certainly is food for thought, no?

On the rocks.

"With my back towards the whole world, I sit hoping for some sanity. Facing my fears like a deep calm sea."

(In the words of new Bombay bestie, AC)

Nightly Rambles

Sell your soul
To only that which shakes it.

For there is no shame 
In bowing your head,
To that which mends the cracks in your spirit.