Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Why God...Why?

There are essentially two things that I feel very strongly about- women's equality issues and religion. Don't get me wrong- I don't go proactively campaigning out there about burning bras, but I will participate heatedly in an argument and/or beat you up if you're a male chauvinistic asshole.

The other thing that is now added to this list is Auto rickshaws drivers- I have SO much to say about these pigs- I can write a book. 

Since I just had a very frustrating experience this morning, let me first just say- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGHHHH!!!! &%#%%$!!@!!!!

Ok, now that that's done...

I know that it's such a small, small thing compared to, I don't know, 3G scams, CWG, Bofors and that very long list. But apart from all that, I wish someone asked us regular citizens about our smaller everyday piss-offs. I pay my taxes on time and every time, and yet no one will help me get a damned auto to where I want to go to. 

Let me illustrate in a few examples what happens to most people who try to get autos in a city like mine (that includes all big cities other than the awesome Bombay). 

Scenario One:

It's raining. A lone girl is standing on a lone road with a lone umbrella. She wants to go home. She hails an auto.

Auto guy: Where?
Girl: ____ (names an area)
Auto guy: Ok, 300 rupees
Girl (baffled look): What? Why?
Auto guy: Can't you see its raining maydum?
Girl: Errr..yes.
Auto guy: Then? What you're asking?
Girl: Do you think they pay me extra at my work on the days it rains?
Auto guy: Who cares about you? (Cocks head, looks at Girl like she's retarted and speeds off like Schumacher)

Moral of the story: Come rain or shine, no matter how late or early it is, just pay what he asks you to pay. Or walk home.

Scenario Two:

Girl in an auto. She's reached her destination. She gives the auto guy a 100 rupees for the 40 he asked for (this is 20 rupees more than the auto fare, but what can she do?).

Auto guy (speaks gruffly): Give me change.
Girl: Sorry. I don't have. I have only 30. 
Auto guy: So? 
Girl: I had kept 30 change but you asked for 40 and I don't have change for a 100.
Auto guy: So? Huh? So?
Girl: Sorry. I don't know.
Auto guy: So? You don't know means what should I do? You must keep change no? Give me 100. I'll keep it.
Girl (too dumbfounded to speak). She walks into a close-by supermarket, buys a cabbage she'll never eat, just so she can get change.

Moral: Carry change. Always. Remember, if you don't have change, it will ALWAYS be your fault.

Lots of scenarios such as these- you can't take an auto to somewhere too close or too far off- extra charge. You can't take an auto from a guy at the auto stand- he's too lazy so it'll be extra charge, please. 

So I'm putting down the top five things to not do when taking an auto- it may be useful to some of you- remember, you travel by their auto, you follow their rules.

Top 5 DON'Ts when you're taking an auto:

1. Wear shades- they automatically expect you to be rich and have oodles of money flowing out of your ears. It's why you're wearing shades and it's why you're going to donate some of that overflowing cash to the auto guy. He deserves it more than you, dummy.

2. Speak in a language other than the regional language: Don't you know, you pay extra just because you don't speak in the regional language? I mean, commmmmon, learn the language already- how hard can it be- it's just a whole new language.

3. Wear western clothes: Are you Indian or are you not? Then what's to ask? Wear Indian clothes- dhoti, sari-blouse etc. Otherwise, the very wise Mr. Auto Guy will assume you're opulent and take all your money from you. Because if he's not rich, no one else is allowed to be, okay? (if only someone would tell him that the rich don't take autos- they have enough cars/private helicopters. Only us middle class people do- we just like to dress nicely/ how we like).

4. Ask him to stop anywhere other than a main road: He goes only where HE wants to go. You're not paying him, he's doing YOU a favour. So don't you go and ask him to take a right into the galli you live in. That's just too much to ask from him- he has to draw the line somewhere you know.

5. Ask him to put on this auto meter: How dare you ask! It's only there for show. Believe it.