Thursday, October 20, 2011

My Dumbledore

It feels like I'm in love again.

It's not what you think though. This is a bit unusual. This is the kind of love that is like a feeling of pure inspiration and awe.

I met this lady at a conference/discussion setting in New York and I thought she was strange and eccentric looking; I almost didn't even notice her. She had a quiet but under-the-surface bubbles kind of a demeanor about her, that makes you almost miss noticing her.

Luckily, she wasn't as shortsighted as me. She caught my eye across the room and smiled at me and so I felt compelled to at least say hi (I was feeling peculiarly anti-social on that day I think). We exchanged a quick hello-whereareyoufrom dialogue and then I confessed to her that although I was visiting the city for a short time, I was madly in love with it.

When she said what she said next to me, I instantly knew I wanted to see her again. "New York is like a famous king. And all kinds of people come to his amazing court- entertainers, artists, bankers, lovers, dreamers, actors, bakers... And they put their best foot forward and show the king what they can do best. If the king likes it, he asks the person to stay and show him more. If he doesn't like it, you will have to leave, but you'll surely be back next time, to try to make it in New York's court once again!"


And so we met two weeks later, at what has now become "our place". It's a little coffee shop in uptown NY. She took me there when she heard I was writing a novel, because this place is special to writers- people who have written their books there, frame the cover of their book and hang it up on the walls of the cafe. It has covers of books written there for the last fifteen years hung up on its walls. It's quite overwhelming and fascinating at the same time.

And that is exactly how she is. She is overwhelming and fascinating at the same time.

When I decided to get on this journey, with my sabbatical, writing a book, being away from everyone I love in a new city, I didn't realise how much it's going to change my world. I didn't realise that I was walking in to a new phase of my life, transforming and becoming a new me. 

And transformation is always hard. Especially when you're not expecting it. But I really do believe that every five/seven years every one us evolves- with or without knowing it. All of us learn one big lesson, and fight our way against all odds. God knows, those days are hard while you're re-discovering and re-inventing yourself. It's literally like peeling out of your old skin and coming into a new form. Shedding all the rubbish and carrying only what is absolutely needed for the next five/seven year phase.

So it couldn't have been better timing for me to have met this woman. I don't know what I bring to her, but she's helping me through my metamorphsis without even knowing it. At a time when I am searching for my new self, she's showing me the world through her eyes.

I call her my Dumbledore. 

She has that eternal naughty/mysterious/wise twinkle in her eye- like she knows the secret to life, but she won't tell you because she knows that it's much more fun when you discover it on your own. What I also love about her is that she takes pleasure in looking at everything- she epitomizes the phrase 'it's not about the destination, it's about the journey.'

We went to a chapel that she wanted to show me the other day and I was stunned by how much time she spent looking at everything, even though she had been there a million times before. Even for the millionth time, she expressed and felt the fascination for every little thing she was looking at in the chapel. At one point, she made me hug a pillar!

And I realised just hugging a pillar made me feel better- it gave me five minutes to truly understand and appreciate what I was doing. I realised in that moment that I giving to myself and, my, my, what an important lesson to learn!

I understood my next challenge- she told me what to do next without me asking her! I wondered how she even knew, but she answered that too, without my having asked her.

She giggled and casually remarked, "It's like we were given to each other isn't it? Two kindred spirits!"

Oh, she's quite something, my Dumbledore :)

Quotes I love - My new mantra

We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.

T.S Eliot

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Shards of glass.

The bile rises in my throat.

What has he done?
Why does my soul feel like
A loud clock, 
Ticking ominously in my ear?

Times freezes.

What is happening?
Why does it feel like
I'm standing still,
And my world is cracking up rapidly?

My hands are numb.

What should I say?
Why does it feel like
There are stones in my mouth,
Suffocating my speech and my breath?

A scream echoes in my head.

What is he saying?
Why does it feel like
My heart has exploded,
Into a million shards of sparkling glass flying around me?

Time unfreezes.

The music has stopped,
I haven't sung my part,
My cry still stuck in my throat,
Trying to remember how to sing without him.

And I don't where to,
But I just keep walking.