Monday, October 12, 2009


The faster I go, the lesser I feel it.
The faster I go, the more still it feels.
But I gotta watch the speed...
Because hard as it might be to go up,
The Journey down, its fucking free-fall baby.

I was talking to a friend the other day, (mind you I was down a coupla beers), and telling her that I'm sick of the following things:

--managing a career, aka, making the 'right' moves.
--managing my money, aka, (the alien word) Saving.
--managing relationships, meaning-- keeping the various brackets happy (parents) (the best friends) (the friends) (the relatives) (the other half) (the facebook friends) (the boss) (even the frigging lady and the watchman)
--growing up, aka, less of the good stuff (beer, biryani) and more of the fuckall stuff (exercise, eggwhite salad)

Most of all, I'm sick of worrying about being the perfect everything.

We constantly feel like we could be a better mother, a better best friend, a better girlfriend, a better daughter, a better employee...blah blah blah. That word 'better' loses its meaning eventually and you forget to live your life.

So, comes the infamous question-- what does it mean to 'live your life'? Would you rather be 'impulsive and indulgent' and die of some cancer or heart disease type at 40, or would you rather life a 'safe, boring, but not sorry' life and die (or hope to) at 70+?

Please don't mention the word 'balance' or 'choice' in your solution...If I got ten bucks for every time someone has used those words..

We have 'choices', we don't choose them. We let others define what we are or we should be. I see many people around me (me included) defining themselves primarily through what they do.

'I manage XYZ dept for the XYZ Bigshot company.'
'My daughter lives in America and she's working for XYZ hotshot software company'
'My husband has become XYZ in just 5 years. It's a miracle'

And this troubles me.

Why is it not:

'I have 5 dogs and I love them!'
'My daughter loves to travel. She's in Europe loving her backpacking trip right now'
'My husband is passionate about music. It's amazing the number of records he's collected in the last five years'

Why don't we use the description of a person, those specific things that makes him that unique person, to introduce them? Why are we so confined by the boundaries of our occupation?

Why can I not be the Girl that writes, the Girl that loves the colour blue, the Girl that is a great sister, a great best friend?

Why do I have to be the Girl that works for some MNC or the other? Why do I have to be lesser than the other person just because I'm not with a famous company or a high level manager type?

Why are we so DEFINED by our occupation, although there are many, many more sides to us? Why has our focus become so damn skewed?

We're moving so fast... trying to build the best career, climbing that ladder faster, faster...when we crash, it'll be loud. Deafening. Because we ignored everything else that we were. Everything else that made us one whole person.