Thursday, August 26, 2010

I want, I want, I want. What I want.

They say the terribleness of the Terrible Teen Years mainly comes out of the enormous amount of peer pressure one is exposed to. I've always wondered that was about. While I might have (unknowingly) been the one to create the pressure, I certainty have had no trouble of my own whatsoever with peer pressure when I was teenager. I did what I wanted to, when I wanted to and how I wanted to. There was hardly a time I worried myself about whether I was 'doing well' or if I 'fit in'.

Until now.

Looks like I'm a late bloomer when it comes to this. Over the last year or so, peer pressure has slowly crept into my life and how! I seem to have worked myself into becoming a pressure cooker.

All of a sudden people my age are doing so many things that it feels like I should be doing them too...Someone is doing an MBA at Harvard, someone is buying a house, someone is studying Anthropology at LSE, someone is going to art school, someone is doing up their house, someone has a fancy job, someone is getting married, someone is having babies...All of a sudden I find myself wanting every one of these things 'someone' is doing. And I seem to want them all NOW. 

I find myself looking around me and aspiring for things I don't even have any need for! It's greedy. It's a waste of time. And it's surely a damn waste of mind space.

If only I could buy a house... If only I could earn X amount of money... If only I had the money or the time to do an MBA...I'd be SO set....

I get so caught up and stressed out about what I 'should be doing' that I find myself sometimes having crying spells or sleepless nights over it.

Then there is a moment of revelation (like right now!)... that moment when it feels like someone shook me out of a nightmare and I am now seeing things clearly... I don't even want to do an MBA damnit! I hate maths, stats and everything from that family. Since when did I start wishing for things in my life that I don't really actually want at all, much less need?

I'm much too young and life is far too short (always in retrospect, since youth seems to be lost on the young!) for me to be bound by what ifs and if onlys.

How does it matter where anyone else is going? It only matters where I want to go. Even if its just for now. What's the rush?

I might not know exactly what I want for my life. But I do know this-- I don't wan to get stressed out about whether I'm living the 'right way', about whether I'm making the 'right moves'. 

I want peace of mind.

I want balance in my life.

I want to travel lots, eat gorgeous food and meet strange people.

I want to speak a million languages.

I want an ocean of love and I want to love right back.

I want to read things that astonish me, I want to write things that astonish others.

I want to take my own time. I want to say my own 'ready, set, go!'

I want to be 80 and still be amazed when I see a rainbow.

I want Life to be a great movie that I just don't want to get to the end of.

Most importantly, I always want to remember who I am and what I want.

1 comment:

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